


The First Time

by DeanstielsDaughter



Category: Chaos Walking - Patrick Ness
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Friendship, M/M, Male Slash, Male-Female Friendship, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-06-30 12:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19852735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeanstielsDaughter/pseuds/DeanstielsDaughter
Summary: (ONESHOT) There were a lot of firsts in the life of Bennison Moore.





	The First Time

"Looking at you, holding my breath. For once in my life, I'm scared to death." – Lifehouse

It was all Abby's idea.

One last night, just the three of them. Before they all took off in a spaceship bound for the unknown. Cillian was drunk off his ass already, loudly singing old disco tunes and hopelessly trying to dance along even though his legs had other ideas. Abby sat on a fallen moss-covered tree trunk, Ben to her left. He nursed a beer and kept looking up at the sky.

"Isn't it funny?" he asked. "You know, how we're all gonna be asleep for a couple of months and then end up somewhere completely different from here?"

"I, for one, am excited." Abby shifted slightly on the log, also taking the tiniest sips of her drink.

"I mean me too," Ben shook his head and sighed. The trees rustled in the breeze and shook with the cadence of waves on the seashore Ben knew he would miss dearly. He, Cillian, Abby, and Abby's boyfriend Jack had all paid many a visit to the majestic sea before they'd learned of their departure date. Even though what lurked beneath the waves nowadays was anything but comforting and refreshing.

"I just hope it's not too different."

"The planet?" Abby asked, taking a sip.

"Everything."

Ben glanced over forlornly at Cillian, who was too busy dancing around in a circle and shaking his ass to notice anything either of them were saying. Ben gripped his now halfway empty bottle tightly in the palm of his hands, feeling a surge of raw emotion travel down through his spine and straight to his chest. He wasn't even drunk enough to blame it on a buzz.

"You should finally tell him." Abby urged, nudging Ben with her shoulder and causing him to jump as he plummeted out of his thoughts.

"He wouldn't…" Ben paused, tripping up on his own words. Feelings of nervousness and regret settled deep in his stomach the longer he looked at Cillian. The longer he thought about actually doing it. Finally opening his pussyfooted mouth and saying something.

"He might," Abby gave Ben a sideways glance. "Clearly you don't have a lot of faith in Cillian."

"I won't speak about matters I shouldn't be involved in," Ben replied rather sternly. "But I'm not the only one supposedly lacking faith in somebody right now."

"We're going through a rough patch," Abby refused to look Ben in the eye. "But we'll be okay. We always are."

"How can you be so sure?" Ben asked, more so a question for himself than her. Bennison Moore was never known for surety. Not now, not ever. His family had been a group of worrywarts. Always afraid to involve themselves in anything. In fact, it was Ben who had suggested they board the ship for New World and they all flatly refused. Stating they'd rather die where they'd been born and raised than try and live somewhere, they'd never known before. It made sense, but Ben still felt a pang of guilt every time he thought about leaving them behind.

He'd made up his mind though. His friends and he, they were going to enter the deep sleep, and then wake up somewhere better. Somewhere full of promise. At least, that's what Abby kept telling him.

"That's the thing," Abby said, shaking her head and standing. Ben followed suit. "I'm not sure. I'm not really sure of anything. I just have to keep reminding myself that people aren't perfect. Situations aren't perfect either, but as long as I have faith that I can work through it, it makes the high dive into the situation all worth it."

"Oh Bennison Moore," Abby had once said one of the first times they'd talked. "You've got an awful lot to learn about life and I cannot wait to teach you."

If only he could love her the way he loved others like him. It would've made things so much easier. It would have made sense. There was no way that Cillian, perfect, beautiful and spirited Cillian could ever…

No effing way.

"You and Jack finally gonna settle down once we reach New World?" Ben asked, only half interested. Truth be told, he hated Jack. Cillian did too. They'd never said anything openly though. They couldn't stand to lose anyone else in either of their lives. Cillian's entire family was already gone. Wiped out by sickness and pollution from their current planet. Ben wasn't very superstitious, but he liked to think it was the Native American in him that had kept him and his family alive even in the harsh conditions. One with the earth, and all that shit.

Ben took a larger drink this time.

"I know you've been dying to get to that part of your life."

"I'm very excited," Abby happily nodded. A small hint of something broken underneath the surface, deep in her eyes. "I think domestic life will do us some good. Jack's going to ask if he can join the Council once we land. His family has some influence after all."

No mention of Jack dying to settle down too. Ben figured as much. The only influence Jack's family had, and had sadly passed on to him, was the influence of consumption of certain substances in mass quantities.

"I wish y'all the best." Ben raised his beer. "To our futures, whatever they may be!"

"F-uture!" Cillian hiccupped and stumbled to where he hit the ground. He giggled tried to get back up.

"You're gonna have one helluva migraine when you wake up," Ben pulled Cillian to his feet, trying hard not to stare into his stormy eyes. A little bit lighter than the vicious storms that now arose quite often on the earth and destroyed all in their path, but darker than the southern oceans. The man's sandy, shaggy hair brushed against Ben's upper chest and he tried his best to suppress the shiver that wracked his spine and could possibly destroy him as quickly as those storms.  
"Excelsior!" Cillian shot a pointer finger up in the arm and Abby suppressed a grin and a giggle.

"Alright Knight of the Round Table," Ben rolled his eyes, trying his best not to blush at their close proximity. "Let's get you back to the camp. We leave early in the morning."

And they dragged him home. It was the first time Ben had ever been that close to Cillian.

It felt like magic.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

It felt like the first time Ben had ever walked before.

The spaceship had rumbled to life hours ago and he'd already been assigned his pod and given the necessary clothing for long-term sleeping. It was revolutionary, really. The technology that had been produced and went into aiding this journey. Ben tried hard not to be sad, as he thought about his family back home, still clinging to hope that someday things would turn around.

They wouldn't, but who was Ben to squash their hope.

Abby had taught him that.

Abby, who had taken her rightful place among the women on the ship and had given Ben the tightest hug he'd ever received before doing so. A hug that said: "I'll see you on the other side, but in case I don't…"

Ben hated that feeling.

Cillian was clearly hung over but holding up well. At least, he was putting on a good face for Ben. Dark circles hung under his eyes, but then again, none of them had properly slept in the time leading up to their departure. Having had to leave pretty much all of their earthly possessions behind, but their knowledge and selves. Some clothing and bric-a-brac here and there were stored in the luggage compartment. Ben hadn't brought much, but the clothes on his back, and his knowledge of the earth and how to farm it. It had been his idea to convince Cillian to go on the journey. He'd told him it was because they needed a scientist on New World.

It certainly hadn't had anything to do with his own selfish motivations. Definitely not!

"I dig the digs," Cillian tugged at his sleeve and laughed. "Blue really is your color."

Ben's cheeks flushed. He tried to hide it behind the fluorescent lights of the ship.

"Can't deny," Ben shrugged. "Looks dashing on you as well."

Cillian laughed. Ben did too. It wasn't a joke.

"You ready for the big sleep?" Cillian asked, looking a little hesitant underneath it all. Ben hadn't once seen Cillian unsure about anything. The thought that he was uneasy about the journey, it didn't bode well with Ben.

"Ready as I'll ever be." Ben nodded. "You?"

"You know me," Cillian smirked. If looks could kill, Ben would be six feet under. "Always up for an adventure."

"You and Abby both," Ben chuckled and took a seat at his pod station, waiting for the nurse to come. "Maybe one day she'll finally dump Jack and marry you."

Cillian laughed, but every breath Ben took after those words hurt like hell. Besides, Abby wouldn't leave Jack. Not when there was still hope for him. In her eyes, there was always hope for that man.

When the nurse came, Ben felt his gaze drift over to Cillian, who sat patiently and smiled up at her warmly. His exposed arm deeply tanned from the now poisonous earthen sun. The rain burned just as badly sometimes. The clouds no longer protected.

"Well," Ben thought. "If nothing else, I'll protect you."

The sleep aid drugs took effect quickly and Ben felt his eyelids drooping, heavy with sleep. Cillian was already lying down, drifting in and out of consciousness just as the captain announced their departure. The nurses and aids came around one last time to assure everybody was safe in their sleeping pods before climbing into their own and sealing the doors.

"See ya on the other side." Cillian whispered before passing out.

Ben's last thoughts were of Abby, Cillian, and him in the field the night before and how hopeful he'd finally felt after years of fighting to survive. It kept him warm inside while he settled in to sleep.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

It was the first time Ben had ever truly felt naked.

When the convoy had first landed and everybody had woken up and gotten their footing, they'd opened the ship's doors. New World was similar to Earth, but the air was fresher, cleaner. It didn't hurt to breath. The sounds of nature flooded the settlers' eardrums. Among other things.

What's happening? Why? Gotta take a piss. Gotta wake up. Gotta be a bad dream.

Ben heard voices. All of which were voices he knew. All voices belonging to those he'd made the trip with, but none of them came from their mouths. They all stared at one another in horror and shock.

Great. Hungry. Gotta piss too. Hope this place isn't bad. Hope this is home now. Where's my wife? Damn she looks hot. Where's the food?

Abby approached Ben's side. He turned to look at her. A solemn look in her eyes.

"What is going on?" she asked. "You can hear that, can't you?"

It was a funny thing. Ben could hear everybody around him. Everybody who was a man.

He couldn't hear what Abby was thinking at all.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

The first time Ben had learned about the Noise, he'd tried his best to avoid the others. It was nearly impossible though. Their Noise was loud, echoing through trees, across miles. Everybody's every little thought broadcast into the atmosphere for all to hear. It was hard enough trying to live like this, but even harder when Jack had single-handedly managed to keep Abby away from her best friends since they'd landed.

He claimed it was for her own good. That knowing everybody's thoughts was dangerous and he wanted to keep her safe. Abby had gone along with it, even though Ben knew deep down, based on the looks she cast him in the town square, that she knew it was wrong.

Who was Ben to judge? He'd tried for years to give her advice. It was up to her now.

Cillian was even harder to face.

Cillian. Tend to the animals. Cillian. Inventing things. Smart man, Cillian is. 

It was even harder when Ben tried to control his thoughts. It was nearly impossible to do such a thing and living with Cillian was pushing him to the brink of exhaustion trying to keep his crush hidden. Cillian wouldn't understand. He didn't care what Abby thought. Well, he did, but he believed her to be wrong.

Deep down though, he hoped she was right.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

The first time Ben truly took the time to try and listen to Cillian's noise he noticed it was red.

There was no rational explanation for this, but Ben swore up and down he saw the color red in the air surrounding Cillian every time he got near. If Ben had an aura, he couldn't see it. Cillian's Noise was honest to goodness red. The comforting kind like at Christmas. Not like anger, but a gentle fire. A perfect embodiment of Cillian.  
The two of them were in the kitchen of the house when the truth finally came to light.

Cillian. Sexy. Love. Love Cillian.

Ben felt eyes on him, and he dropped the dish he'd been scrubbing in fear. He cursed himself for allowing such thoughts to enter his mind openly, but then again, he had been picturing Cillian earlier that day trying his hardest to fix the electric fence he'd managed to make with his bare hands for the sheep Ben had insisted they bring along on the ship. Agriculture and science would be needed, he'd claimed.

Ben slowly turned to face his best friend; dishrag still wrapped around his now trembling hand.

"I can explain." Ben squeaked out, practically on the verge of tears.

There was no discernable movement, but Ben suddenly felt pressure on his lips and Cillian had his pressed up against them. Ben's eyes shot open wide in shock and he listened to the powerful Noise overtaking the room.

Love Ben. Have always loved Ben. Scared. Vulnerable. Ben loves me.

Love Cillian. Always have. Not scared anymore.

Ben cradled Cillian's cheeks in his hands as he kissed him over and over again. His kisses becoming more like he was grasping for life rather than what they'd started off as. Cillian's, on the other hand, started rough and raw, but turned gentle and passionate towards the end. Ben's fingers ran through the back of Cillian's hair, pressing his forehead to Cillian's and he closed his eyes.

"How long?" Cillian asked.

"For as long as I can remember." Ben nodded.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

It was the first time Ben started obsessing about sex.

As a young man, he'd had urges sure, but nothing like he did now. Cillian and he had been together for a good few months officially. Strangely enough, the townsfolk including the strange Mayor Prentiss, who rarely emerged from his home, didn't seem to mind all that much.

Called it. Knew it. Need a poo. Need some food. Where's Mary-Beth? Hope I get to blow her mind later.

It turned out he wasn't the only one who shared such thoughts.

Cillian and he had constructed a double bed that slept two shortly after their kitchen confessional. Cillian had successfully managed to draw electricity from the town to the home the two of them had decided to finish building and expanding upon earlier that month. In fact, he'd managed to provide most of the town with electrical power. It wasn't strong, but it was enough for communications back to the other convoys on their way and for lighting.

Ben's chest felt warm at the thought of how smart Cillian was.

In fact, he'd woken up several times to a different kind of warmth when he'd dreamt of the man, he shared a bed with.

It wasn't like Ben knew what he was doing. He'd never really had many encounters with anyone he was even mildly interested in back on earth. Even if he'd wanted to, thoughts of Cillian and how it should be him instead had plagued his mind so deeply he'd never ended up going through with it.

The thought of trying such a thing with a more experienced man scared the living hell out of him.

Cillian quickly found this out one night in the living room. The pair were reading, sitting in chairs opposite one another.

Mayor's doing some weird shit again. Could go for a beer right now. Want a snack. Damn, Ben looks good. We still can't hear women. Nancy Dryer is selling her scythe.

Cillian. Beautiful Cillian. Would never want it. Would laugh. Virgin. 

Cillian glanced up from the paper he was reading.

"You wanna talk about that last thing I heard? Or would you rather I showed you a thing or two?"

Ben didn't hesitate to follow him up the stairs to the bedroom.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

The first time Abby came to him crying her eyes out, Ben knew something was terribly wrong.

Abby never cried.

"Jack's been kicked off the Council," Abby blubbered over a steaming mug of tea Cillian handed her before he motioned that he was going to tend to the sheep. He'd never been good at emotional shit.

"He claims the Mayor came to him. That he's got something better. I don't know what could possibly replace the prestige and the pay, but we need it whatever it is."

"Abby…" Ben sighed.

"Look," she replied harshly. "I know, okay."

"I didn't say nothing." Ben shook his head.

"You didn't have to." Abby said, staring Ben straight in the eye with tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I'm pregnant Ben." Abby said.

And just like that, Ben felt the world being pulled out from under him.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

The last time Abby came to their door crying, Ben answered. Cillian was sound asleep.

"It's three am Abby." Ben said, but with no anger, just solace.

Three am. Cuddle Cillian. Cuddle Cillian til' he wakes up and cuddles back. Love. Tired. Gotta piss. Abby. Abby in trouble. Abby should leave Jack. Abby must leave Jack.

"I'm so glad you finally told him." Abby smiled through her tears. She was holding something in her arms.

"Abby?" Ben asked, almost a warning and not a question.

"The women are gonna do it," she explained. "It's time Davy Prentiss knew what hit him."

"Abby, no." Ben shook his head.

"Please," she thrust the blankets she had into Ben's arms and Ben gasped. Inside them was a tiny baby boy. She also handed him a leather-bound book. A journal she'd had since their time on Earth. Ben supposed she hadn't thought to use it until now.

"Please keep my son alive," she begged her best friend. "Show him there's always hope for him."

"What about for you?" Ben asked, his breath almost leaving him, as he already knew the answer.

"Don't you get it?" she shook her head and chuckled. "This is the only hope I have now."

It was the last time he ever saw Abby again. She left him, with a sleeping baby boy in his arms, a journal, and her words as the pale moons of New World eclipsed the sheep fields in their white light.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I just finished the Chaos Walking trilogy and man oh man did I fall in love with BenxCillian. They are my ultimate gay space dads OTP and their love for Todd was something beautiful. I wish we had known Cillian for longer, but I hope I did him justice in this. In fact, I hope I did everybody justice.   
> This is my first venture back into fanfiction after a long time, and I hope that I can slowly ease my way back into writing for it. I miss it, to be honest.   
> I hope you all enjoyed and as always, see you in the next fic and read and review!


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